Thursday, June 18, 2015

This is going to hurt.

I've always been brutally honest here.  My life as it is on paper, or in the blue nowhere, is exactly as it is in reality.  I put these words out here with the hope that someone will read them, but also to truly hold myself accountable for what I am or what I've yet to become.

I'm a runner.  Yes, that's true - that's what this whole thing is (usually) all about, right?  Except for the times it's not.  I'm also a wife, a sister, a friend, an aunt and a full-time paralegal.  I'm a thousand other things but right now, I'm also struggling.  I've never been the smallest person in the room - that comes from being the tallest girl in the class from the day I have a memory.  I have maybe 2 or 3 friends that are almost my height or similar.  I long ago accepted the advantages of being tall.  I've accepted that my bone structure will never allow me to wear size 4 jeans.  However, I will not accept mediocrity - I will not accept that I've taken the one thing that can get me through this life and have been fueling it improperly. 

I have to stop making excuses and start holding myself accountable for the things that I want to accomplish.  This is where it's going to hurt; I stepped on the scale this morning.  The numbers flashed a brutal truth that I've been desperately avoiding.  It's not just a high number.  It's a higher number than it's ever been.  Ever.  In my 31 years of life, the number has never been that high.  I could blame a thousand things - stress, the fact that I couldn't work out for awhile, the fact that it's hard to create healthy meals after a long day at work but the reality is that those are excuses.  Those are just a bunch of lies that my head tells me when my heart knows better.  My friends and family, and my husband say, "oh you can't even really tell."  I'm 5' 10", so I suppose I can hide it better than most, but I can tell.  It's the image that flashes in the mirror, and it's the fact that I'm deleting more photos of myself than I'm keeping.  I'm not comfortable in my own skin.  My goal weight is 40 pounds lower than where I am right now.  

In the coming weeks and months while I train for my October marathon, I will still be keeping you all updated on my training, race recaps, etc., but I'd like to switch gears and change the main focus here to more of a healthy living/lifestyle change blog.  I don't believe in fad diets, because the second you stop them, the pounds sneak back up, and honestly, who really wants to give up beer and cheese curds FOREVER?  Not this Wisconsin girl. :) 

My goal is to create a healthy way of eating that balances out with my running that doesn't leave me starving and without enough energy to complete my training runs.  I'm not going to completely give up the things I love because that's unreasonable.  That destroys what I'm trying to do here.  I need to find a balance that works for me that doesn't involve cleanses, and pills, and not enjoying little indulgences once in awhile.  I'm 31 years old and I'm ready to take my life back.

This is going to hurt, but I want to read this post in six months and know I'm on the right track.  

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