Saturday, November 2, 2013

Because it's fall and this is funny

I read this and laughed SO hard.  I figured I would share it in honor of the fall weather and chili season :)

The Novice Chili Taster

Even though he was from Springfield, Illinois, Frank was honored to be selected as a judge at a Texas chili cook-off because no one else wanted to do it. The fellow who was going to be the third judge called in sick at the last moment. Frank happened to be standing there at the judges' table asking directions to the lemonade stand when the call came in.

The other two judges, both native Texans, assured Frank that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and they told him he could have free lemonade during the tasting, so of course, Frank accepted.

Here are the score cards from the event with the third judge being Frank from Springfield:


JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two lemonades to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These hicks are crazy.


JUDGE ONE: Smokey with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more pepper to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the lemonade line.


JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili. A bit salty. Good use of red peppers.
FRANK: This has got to be a joke! Call the EPA! I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the lemonade stand. Lady at the lemonade stand pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in front of my chest.


JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods; not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the lady at the lemonade stand, was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her.


JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I expelled gas and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili gave me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring lemonade directly on it from the pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.


JUDGE ONE: Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now in a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally.


JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho hum. Tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge No. 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight of one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili that slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good! At autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.


JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending. This is a nice blended chili.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge No. 3 collapsed and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
FRANK: ARRGG... AHHHJ... hhmrmm... maaii... ooaai.....

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