I completely lost it...and that's okay

Two days until surgery.  Last night, I was reorganizing my closet and drawers - you know, just putting summer clothes to the back and winter clothes towards the front...  I keep all of my running stuff in a couple drawers and hanging on hooks on the back of the bedroom door.  I was folding up my running skirts and tanks for the bin for back of the closet for winter...and I got to my last running skirt...my favorite one.  My Brooks' Glycerin skirt.  The one I bought myself as a reward for finishing my first half marathon...the one that cost me more than something you're going to sweat all over should...I just lost it.  

I sat down on my bed and just...lost it.  I cried because I worked so hard to get to the point where running 6 miles was pretty easy....I cried because the last time I wore that skirt I was racing a 10k.  I cried because it hurts my heart to not run.  But I also cried because I'm scared.  I'm scared of starting over, I'm scared of the unknown, I'm scared that I won't ever run a half marathon again.  

I'm slowly learning that I am a lot stronger than I ever thought.  I'm learning that it's okay to not be tough all the time.  I'm learning that "for now" doesn't mean "forever."  I'm learning that resting doesn't mean I'm being lazy - it means I'm trying to heal.  I'm learning that losing it doesn't mean that I'm weak.  I'm learning that it's okay to break down once in awhile as long as I can pick myself back up.

The toughest part of being sidelined is the mental part.  As runners, we know that running and racing and training are a lot more mental than physical.  We have to train our brains to push our bodies through those last couple miles when we want to give up, and with injuries we have to train our brains to push our bodies through months and months of pain and recovery.  At the end of this journey, I WILL be stronger.  I will be better, and I will be faster.  I will crush my previous PR's, and I will finally train for and run a full marathon.  I will do all of these things because I am strong and I know that breaking down is my body's way of healing my mind.  

I am runner...no matter what...no injury or hiatus will change that.  Thanks to that, I can do this.